If I am honest with myself and you I will say that the last 2 years have been, without a doubt a plunging into a dark night of the soul and as I am emerging; as I am just on the precipice, before entering what is next, I know I am being required to be, to accept, to fully surrender to this place of in between, which at times seems utterly unbearable. I fear it, I loathe it, it is absolutely lonely. It is a void of uncertainty and I struggle to find the threads of joy and purpose that I know are buried deep within my soul. I write, I read, I research and delve into discovering this seeming abandonment by God, the Universe and myself. I know innately that this is not true and yet the doubt, the fear and the faithlessness accompany these passing days making it feel like it is all a waste, like I am preserving some sort of grief and negativity.
A wise and enlightened man told me I will always have this sadness because I can see it all. I let it all in, I feel it all. And so it gives me hope because whatever there is, is it's opposite.
God is everything; he is kind and full of love but he is also cruel and senseless. That is how we are here in the first place. If I light a candle in a dark room you only know that it provides light because of the darkness. This universe is made up of opposites, by this polarity, without one thing we cannot understand the other. Without light we do not know what darkness is, without bitterness we do not understand sweetness. Without experiencing and learning what we don't want, we will never know what we do want. Therefore it is only just to be grateful for all of it. You have not been permanently cast away from the light, from the joy that is yours. You are only being hidden from it so you can remember and bring it back.
I am extreme. I have always known this. I am not satisfied unless I have discovered it all, felt it all, experienced it all; the pain, the darkness, the heaviness that seems bound to my spirit. Perhaps I have lost courage. How, if you take a huge leap of faith and courage that you can end up on the other side of it? Weak, hopeless and seemingly powerless? The courageous step has left you in the dark and alone. The courage is a stripping away perhaps, a letting go and in the letting go, in the knowing that there is something else and having the courage to step away, the passage of darkness is a necessity until you have learned where to find the light again. At the end of this is richness and joy and an unbelievable wealth of community and belonging. I know right now is a precious time for me...for all of us. We are bridging the visible and the invisible worlds, when we are accepting ourselves as part of a whole, where this tightrope we seem to have been walking on will give way and instead of falling into nothingness we will be caught in the arms of our dreams which have been manifest into reality accompanied by love in all forms. We can so easily become shaky and lose faith and fall off the rope only to have to get up and try again but if we can just have faith and believe in our destiny and what life has so generously set before us, It is ALL there and we are not alone.
